Achievemephobia: The Success Anxiety

I recently had dinner with a few friends and someone said nice things about me, my response was “You don’t have to overexaggerate.” My then boss said “You are used to hard life, tough love that you find good praises as lies… Stop being a survivor and get over that” It got me thinking……

Let’s get to this — The biggest reason I work hard is the fear of failing, but why is it that when something doesn’t work out I say “C est La Vie” but when it does I get super scared and anxious that it will all end in a millisecond? After a back and forth of what that could be, I concluded something odd; I am scared of success as compared to failing. Growth and success feels like a trap in my life, I have to be worried about the next text message, phone call or email because it feels like it has all come to an end. During those times I ask myself to calm down because I deserve everything I have worked hard for.

I work super hard and smart to get used to success and allow me to believe that when everything is working out then it does not have to go sideways. I do not know what Gratitude and being relaxed looks like I am always on the move…worried..preying..running.. not relaxed. This only stops when I hit a challenge; loss of life (friends or family), shitty relationship, family arguments, that's where I take time to think about my life or shatter into pieces in less than a day and every strength I had crumbles down.

There are several articles/books on how to live in the moment… but how would you know you are living in the moment if you are just using someone’s manual of living their lives to live your life. Do people believe in self-help books because I’ve read a few and noticed the story is all the same; compare “the mountain is you”, “the monk who bought a Ferrari”, “being a fierce woman” “atomic habits” “Power of the subconscious mind” among others and you’ll notice the guidelines is the same. Start with identifying who you are, writing down your good and bad habits or patterns, the future that you are definitely not sure off and the steps; summarized into journaling, meditating, a little bit of exercise and finally having a positive mindset.

There’s always a way to figure out how things can work out and I would say when you get that instant panic in your heart when something is working out AVOID caffeine and nicotine products or else you’ll have your best friend hugging you while you can’t breath😔. Get help from someone you trust/look up to to talk about your fears, some friends won’t get it, some will offer advice but there’s one who’ll understand all you need is to talk about and move on.

#Life is not a spreadsheet