A little bit of Silence; An anxious mind
“Anxiety is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”
— Jodi Picoult, “Sing You Home”
I am fun ambitious person — Have you had me laugh. I put joy in everything I do and I always have with a little bit of humor thanks to the many sitcoms I watch. This is because I have an ability to totally separate different situations into small packages people call it compartmentalizing — Long word that some people refer to it as a Trauma response. I wouldn’t know seems in this new era everything is a trauma response. This is a short story of what Beyoncé asked in Pretty Hurts
“When you’re alone all by yourself
When you’re lying in your bed
Reflection stares right into you
Are you happy with yourself?”
I am happy with myself but the guns/voices in my head would not accord. The guns replay scenarios, question friends and mates, ask questions, betray me, doubts connections and worst of it panic.
Do I have to blame everything on my past and childhood, No, because there’s a past, there’s a future and the in-between is my responsibility. I can’t rewrite a story focusing on the what ifs of the past. Nonetheless, I can change it based on “I need to do better”. To do better I had to deal with something else, the kfrost in Vkfrost. (kfrost comes from DC Fans Killer frost who was Caitlyn's alter ego when she wasn't all rainbows and sunshine).
Okay getting to the point — I have experienced scary and worried moments. The gut feeling that this will not work or something will go wrong “The Murphys law”. I dwelt more on the “what will go wrong” than the positive side of it that it bore constant worry and fear — which brought in the bigger person Anxiety.
I would say in a span of 5 months in 2023 I have practically been anxious all through. I have had 4 anxiety attacks which came after a continuous I can do this moment where she(kfrost) proves I can’t do this and the world comes crumbling down like every episode of The legends of tomorrow. However, I have gained a few tips like, understanding exactly what gets you to that situation; I have my top 4 , death of a loved one, work, rejection and betrayal. I don’t see the way out because this sums up the life of an adult.
I first learnt I had anxiety a while back but only consent for it to be bigger than I thought last year (2022)… and obvious in the labeling era I listed it as “my anxiety” I can’t put myself in certain situations because “my anxiety” won’t make me sleep at night. I can’t follow someone back on Instagram because “my anxiety” will … You get the gist.
Fast forward to 2023 and I experienced death of a close friend and Anxiety’s best friend Depression visited. Remember I said I am very good at compart…whatever that’s a long word… But Yes, I pull a straight face, go to work do my job but when I come back and switch off the lights I have a conversation with the dark and PLEASE switch on the lights I want out. I took a break off social media, the façade came to an end I could only keep a straight face at work not with friends or acquaintances. You know what they ask “how many people will check up on you when you are not online” — well the answer is always scary and it was also to me. I contemplated alot but everyday I hoped I would go back to V. I’d say up until now I have not fully recovered but I term it as “A weak social Battery” cool workaround right.
Well it’s not all about the sad side is it — If I am writing this for those who Isolate when they are going through something means I am recovering. There’s a book “The dopamine nation” bumped into it on Pinterest (Please men using Pinterest isn’t as hard as you perceive”) I have learnt a few things
- There are higher chances the “substance” you are addicted to causes rise in anxious moments.
- There are ways to rewrite a new narrative but I must reduce the repetition in my mind.
- Half of the people/places that make you anxious don’t even know/care.
When my heart is pounding, I can’t breathe, my soul is crashing, tears rolling down, I want my mother (May she Rest in Peace), ears ringing, headaches , hands shaking and with a blurry vision all I have become aware of is I need someone to ground me (most of the times that someone is me).
But I have gained coping mechanism that include having an honest conversation with myself and choosing what makes me happy as the only thing I can control. I know the world around me wasn’t meant to have no troubles (John 16:33) Hahaha — But I have found my stepping stone and everyday if that stone doesn’t stand strong I find a new structure and build over and over again.
Parting shot;
“Chronic anxiety is a state more undesirable than any other, and we will try almost any maneuver to eliminate it. Modern man is living in anxious anticipation of destruction. Such anxiety can be easily eliminated by self-destruction. As a German saying puts it: ‘Better an end with terror than a terror without end.”
— Robert E. Neale, “The Art of Dying”